I'm alive :)
I'm alive :)
I watched the miles drift by slowly in time. I thought of golden chocolate coins at the end of gasoline rainbows. You looked at me and smiled, your fingers twined within the vines of my own. Hold on, hold fast, we merge and glide into the past that was once ours. Two lost souls drifting in and out of corn fields with our hands outstretched and our fingers barely missing the others. How Fate found us looking up at the same chemical stars a thousand miles apart. I reached out my hand to the heavens, closed my eyes... and within moments there you were looking down at me from the same such sky taking my hand and pulling me up towards you to go inside. Past and present merge as if dreams and reality shared the same space time. I was remembering laying out on the brick wall around my Grandmothers porch staring off down the street at the gravel road wondering if you were out there and at the end I am sitting with you looking back at the porch with its brick wall as we pass by saying to myself... "In time."
So many years. I turn around and look at the girl I was sitting on the park bench staring off into space waiting to see if you would turn around the bend in the road and simutaniously in that moment we do, and I am looking back at myself thinking one day, "In time." We leave, driving out of the small town together, watching the past fade with the miles of corn fields and haunted caves between us and the city's chemical stars.
Here I am sitting where you must have sat, opposite ends of the spectrum. They say the longest journey is that between two people... but I made it. And although one part of me is sitting in Seattle, leaning against a glass door waiting for you to call when you get home... the other part of me is sitting here watching the moments go by knowing any moment you will walk in through the door and find me here knowing I have never left you in all this time...
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Usually, you feel safe and secure behind your crablike emotional shell, behind which almost no one ever gets to venture. Sometimes, though, something happens to put a crack in it, and suddenly it's like the curtains have been drawn back and you're standing there naked in fluorescent light, for all the world to see. But wait. Quit your frantic struggles to cover your bits. No one's running away in horror. Hardly anyone's laughing, either. Most people are looking at you with understanding and compassion. A few might even think you're hot. Stop imagining negativity that isn't there, and give yourself the acceptance, appreciation, and delight that others would give you, if you only gave them a chance.
I wrote this in February 2005, think of the significance in years...
The meaning of eleven is: "Purity: when the expression is a True reflection of that which engendered it. Your love should thus be."
"My Immortal Beloved,
It has been nine years since I have last written you. I remember the last letter I had tucked away in our secret box that held all our memories together throughout my lifetime. It is with great sorrow to say that they had perished all those years ago and since that day I had no strength to compose to you our story.
I have held hope that you are still alive out there. I still feel your essence burn inside of me, that part of my soul lingering in pergatory with you. Sometimes it feels like you are right behind me and I shiver and close my eyes. I know that it is not time yet that you show me your face, but I know inside you, you remember mine.
They had told me that you did not exist, my beloved, my sin. They had told me that you were a fascination, an imagination, hallucination ... my ache for a want far deeper than reality. They had told me you were an illusion, but fear not my love for I know you are more real than the sun, the moon, and the stars. I know you hold a substance, outside of your world, here for me on this plane. I know it as I have known it as a child when I would sing to you outside of my window and you would stand in the shadows and listen. I have known it since the day I found Venus shimmering in the night sky and felt your eyes looking at that same bright [star]. Their words are less so. They are no more real than the fears they use to excuse themselves from life. I may not have ever seen your face but you are my naquah.
I miss you, my husband, and my soul is desirous and wanton for your love. I pray that I may succeed in the lessons in this life that you might be allowed to come to me. I do not believe I could wait another turn of the wheel to feel you again. I seek for you in the eyes of all my lovers, and you are not there. I seek for you in the eyes of all the strangers, and you are not there. I seek for you in the eyes of all my loves, and you are not there. I wait for you and my soul has been ever faithful, for lack of the rest of me, but that is all that we consist of in the end.
I pray, to your gods, to my gods, to this world and the next's gods. I pray you find me, for I am lost in this daze. Find me, beloved, and bring me to you. All that you seek is in me, and all that is left of me is within you.
"Be calm, only by a clam consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
where all the elements of the earth meet.
- taken by me.
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads
Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess
the summer is over
the may pole is done
and the lovers of mid-summer eve
find their way back home
it is time for me to go
the leaves of my spring
wither and fade, falling
kissing the feet of autumn
and autumn sings for me
picking the strings of an old acoustic
and i close my eyes and exhale
the last breath of summer
stripping the last of all my lives
to die within that earthly stare
and i seep into the heart of the earth
its brown and green and golds
protecting me from winter