Surreal Vanity

So here is the beginning of a multi-blog. I hope for this to replace all other blogs. I'm still working on the layout but I got tired of looking over the code. =/

I will have to do a real update at a later time.

Rob is totally hott.

- that better? :)

Sometimes I feel so bogged down by responsibility. How I am as a person reflects what type of Mother I am to my son, reflects how I am as a Moderator, reflects how I am a Lead at work.

I try my best. My intentions are always good but somewhere along the line it seems to get convoluted.

I ask questions of the world because I want my son to grow up and ask questions to the world. I think about how I present myself because I want my son to also understand that how he presents himself to the world (no matter what is inside of the presentation) is how people will see you as a person. That is not the other persons fault for misunderstanding you, it is just that they are human... no more or less than we are.

It is more difficult online, representation of 'who you are'. I've had almost a decade in experience working online and still I have difficulty with it. We can not always know the person we speak to, see their expressions, or understand their position. I do my best to try to understand and acknowledge them as I would someone in front of me... at times this is difficult.

It is the same in my job. I represent my team, which represents our department, which represents our company. So much responsibility for one person. I wonder, oftentimes, if I take on so much working eight hours a day here to go home and represent various different affiliations.

I don't know. I just felt like the weight of everything was on my shoulders this morning. I have to call someone here soon and say in a very nice way, "Sorry your SOL and Tough Shit" in a nice way for a Representative because this community isn't insured and I don't want to. I want to be like, "You, you call this person and you get the crap back for it." ~sigh~

This is my job, no matter where I go. Every aspect of my life. I am the voice of someone.

Right now I just want to be the voice of Amanda and no one else and for nothing more than I am a human being who was born with one.

I wish Tristan were back. At least Terran isn't so busy at night to listen to me and comfort. I realy miss having my friend around to go out for coffee and talk about these things though. We used to be able to step away from these worlds and just 'be'.

Back to work I guess... 15min of 'self time' is over.

... when there are things to look forward to. You cannot help but smile.

This year I think I will have a wonderful birthday. :)

What I hate most about being single is the fact that when it becomes public that I am, everyone seems to think they need to send me emails, messages, IMs, etc as though they are applying for a job.

Fine. I contacted HR and this was their response.

The job you are applying for is not available. A position was not even posted. We feel that the extra work can be absorbed internally. Thank you for your time. Unfortunately, there is no need to keep your resume on file. Have a nice day.

~ Human Resources of Poae, Inc.

sip me like coffee
with vanilla creme
smooth like silk
on a sunday morning
my sex, caffeinated
quick fixed stimulation
the concoction of my Qahwah

i never did eat breakfast in the morning.

Today has been a very good day. :)

I feel so damn special today!

First I woke up and got a beautiful shiney rose avatar with a pink border on urealms.

Then I come home from work and my friend sent me a message saying he finished a song for me. ^^

Miss Amanda

<3

When you are young you don't think about dangerous things. You never figure that playing Forts with bbguns or hand made stakes would really hurt anyone. It was a game and if you got hurt you were just a lousy player.

We would play Children of the Corn and hide in the fields until some unknown passerby would come along or the people who owned it tried to hunt us out. Chopping down the stalks to make our little hovels before we set war against the others.

Rebels and Indians; Princesses and War in the Secret Passage beyond the gravel road of my Grandmothers house.

At other times we would play games that all children played then. Red Rover Red Rover, Mother May I, Simon Says, or Baseball.

But one of our favorite things to do was to find the highest hill. We would all race up to the top to be King of the Mountain, but when we got there we would forget who won; forget who lost. And laugh until our hearts hurt and lay down in the sun on our backs. After awhile one or two of us would put their hands over their face and roll down the hill. Then we would all go. You didn't think about rocks or sticks or bugs or even what was at the bottom of the hill in those times. You just covered your face and let go and laughed all the way down.

Sometimes I wish I had that same strength or ignorance. That at each time I struggle to get past one hill, only knowing there is another, to just forget about it all and close my eyes and lay down and just roll........

.... I wonder when I became such a lousy player.

I got bored and decided to make some fan art for urealms. The kids loved it.

There is a place on urealms where you can ask one of the Mods to draw whatever in the world you can imagine up. Cody, Austin, and Raven got together and requested him draw Sir Schmoopy with a fat cat with bulging anime eyes holding barbie dolls in a toliet of chicken soup while doing kamahameha on a dog with a squished face. (Don't ask) And he did,

If he was able to do it they would send him a fan pic with TARN FTW.

... such is the creative minds of children.

I'm definately going to have one estranged summer.

Terran told me last night,

"It is of utmost importance to find somebody who sees you the way you see yourself, that when you aspire to the expectations of your beloved, you are aspiring to be yourself, and not somebody else's you."

I haven't been able to get the words out of my head. They sting with aged patience and young wisdom.

I think out of everyone I know he is the one I am most proud of. That although his accomplishments in himself, in his job, and in his heart cannot be seen by the world and not credited for the struggles he has undergone to get through them, he still endures and believes in who he is and what he is doing; without complaint.

Some would argue about his girlfriend (I only bring this up due to a very lengthy conversation I had with someone in regards to this), but it takes a good woman to go through what she goes through even at this young age and even to put up with my best friend. =P If one were to look past what they define as their faults I am sure they would see what she really is, an individual who sees him as he is and aspires him to be all that he can be within himself... and not what is expected of him. Someone asked me the other day how I can say these things about her having known the history between my friend and I... I laughed. All I can think of is that if, at this age, this girl is filled with all the qualities and abundance of faith I believe is within her... then she will one day grow and become a better woman than most of us. And I would like to think that we all wish the best for those we care about the most. One day what faults you find in her will no longer be applicable, then what say you?

I was just thinking of this comment yesterday, and them. We should choose to be so thankful of the people in our lives that share our strife so that one day we might share in our moments, beauty.

I had another ovarian issue for an hour this afternoon. I just sat there pumping my fists in my chair, popped a few Advil and road the pain wave until it was over.

Later on my card didn't work at Safeway and Travis had to come save me. That was embarrasing. Cody messed the living room up while he was home.

So I got fed up and shut my phone off and sat and watched four episodes of House. Later on I found that the netgear wasn't working and I just felt this was wreck of a day (save House cause I love him).

Tomorrow I have a meeting at 9:00am, 10:00am serving drinks (for Funday), 11:00 - 2:00pm bbq, and I leave at 3:30 to drop Pat off at a Doc appoint.

So I'm going to bed...

Denn das ist Schuld, wenn irgendeines Schuld ist:
die Freiheit cines Lieben nicht vermehren
um alle Freiheit, die man in sich aufbringt.
Wir haben, wo wir lieben, ja nur dies:
einander lassen; denn daB wir uns halten,
das fallt uns leicht und ist nicht erst zu lernen.

For this is wrong, if anything is wrong:
not to enlarge the freedom of a love
with all the inner freedom one can summon.
We need, in love, to practice only this:
letting each other go. For holding on
comes easily; we do not need to learn it.

i missed your words

goodnight, sweet girl, goodnight

i wondered where the soft syllables had gone

somewhere out there they are ringing through the atmosphere

and bouncing off the moonglow of my evening stars

i wish i may, i wish i might

Today I got a call to make an insurance claim. Gnome Enterprises in Canada burned down.... poor lil gnomes... they told me it was a Beverage machine but I knew.... I knew

Sometimes I want to re-dye my hair black..

... while other times I remind myself that this hair cost $200.

Sometimes I think about...

... while other times I think of freedom.

More than likely I'm thinking about...

... and probably more so than that... sex.

The past...

... sometimes collides with my present.

no matter which ocean I seem to touch.

I've been thinking a lot about work...

... and I really wish I had that muffin.

I want to go stompin around in my boots ...

and dance and dance...

I miss hugs...

and all my old friends.

Sometimes I really miss a good martini...

... and I really do miss Jacob flippin' everyone off.

I like presents...

and warm baths in candlelight

I really miss my family.

I woke up to drunken silly messages and they made me really smile.

... thanks crazy.

I finally get my Gallery re-arranged and named by photographer; even put up some newer work. And then somehow, mysteriously while trying to create permissions for a mature audience gallery I LOCK MYSELF OUT. >< How does one admin themselves out of their own gallery?

I don't know. I guess that means I'm done with that for today.

Going to see Jen Jen tonight, it's been a long time. I just wish I felt better. Still kind of sick, but I'm gonna cope to see my friend. I just won't be drinking any tequila, that's for sure.

ps: I hate working on my eyebrows.

I can't remember how old I was but I do remember running up to my mom and in a whispered voice saying, "Mom, I can talk to myself." And of course her reply was, "Of course you can." But I was so serious... I just looked her in the eye and said, "No, Mom, I can talk to MYSELF in my own head." And obviously I figured this was something that only I could do and no one else, because I was unique after all.

... she just laughed at me.

In time the world was laid waste. What once was remembered was lost to struggle; to survival. The stories of our past became flickering gestures of our future behind the tongues of our makers.

No one remembered the time before, though tales were told of a land once lush with life. The grass was green, the sky was blue, but now colors were only figments of memory.

For too long have the Others governed us. They came from the dunes with their machinery and the past stunk on them like sewage from our pot holes. We knew them for what they were for our history spoke of those who gave to us the inheritance of this life. While all other humankind suffered the destruction of our world they hid like cravens in the dune mounds and populated the underworld with their kind while our women became as barren as the Earth.

They came generations ago out of the Dunes. They set their camps upon our free land and once again began to build the life of those before. They were the Other kind, not our kind, as we can no longer be called Human. And they brought with them the Life Givers, fertile women. They sheltered them beyond the white walls and sold their seeds to us for an Alligence....

... and we took them, the gold children, the seeds of the Life Givers. We could have no shame for what we were.

We were unified in our battles against the Zealots. Those who wished to purify the world by damning us all to hell. But they were stronger than our kind and they carried with them the gift of Medicine. For far too long did we have to sacrifice the life of one of our own for another. We had an equal goal with the Others; for the Zealots wished to steal the Life Givers, calling them Eve. They were their salvation, their gateway to Heaven. And they would kill them all.

What is known now is that the free lands are ours. The Other kind lives behind the white walls of their past. They had lost within themselves a Life Giver to the Damned and Broken. And we travel the yellow grasses, the desert, in search for her. In search for hope.

We only know the myths of the Damned and Broken. They do not stay in one place nor another place. Some call them a Circus, as this name was passed down from the history of the Others. But we know them for what they are... the diseased and the dying. But somewhere across this waste that they had left to us so many lives ago is our fertile ground. We seek, as all others seek, the one who the Zealots call Eve. She is our only hope to become free from the alligence to the Others; our only means of creating our own kind.

We are the Forgotten. The heirs to the Earth. The sons of Adam.

---- Some know this story as Eve and the Unknown Soldier, yes it is the same story. Just this is from a different perspective. ----

My voice is just........... gone.

Very sad thing.

http://www.jannah.org/sisters/feminism.html

Dr. Lois Lamya' al Faruqi writes about Islamic traditions and the feminist movement.

"A third Islamic tradition which affects
the future of any feminist movement in an Islamic environment is that
it specifies a differentiation of male and female roles and
responsibilities in society. Feminism, as represented in Western
society, has generally denied any such differentiation and has
demanded a move toward a unisex society in order to achieve equal
rights for women. By "unisex society," I mean one in which a single
set of roles and concerns are given preference and esteem by both
sexes and are pursued by all members of the society regardless of sex
and age differentials. In the case of Western feminism, the preferred
goals have been those traditionally fulfilled by the male members of
society. The roles of providing financial support, of success in
career, and of decision making have been given overwhelming respect
and concern while those dealing with domestic matters, with child
care, with aesthetic and psychological refreshment, with social
interrelationships, were devalued and even despised. Both men and
women have been forced into a single mold which is perhaps more
restrictive, rigid and coercive than that which formerly assigned men
to one type of role and women to another.

This is a new brand of male chauvenism with which Islamic traditions
cannot conform. Islam instead maintains that both types of roles are
equally deserving of pursuit and respect and that when accompanied by
the equity demanded by the religion, a division of labor along sex
lines is generally beneficial to all members of the society."

Time Gnomes!

I'm such a fan girl. lolz.

I really wish sometimes there wasn't so many barriers between me and those that find a place in my heart. Or so many restrictions, one would say, to simply be close enough to give them a hug and really ask.. "How was your day?" Offer them out to coffee when things are rough and just laugh over silly jokes. Maybe have a bourbon and a coke after a stressful day at work and gripe about the nuances of the 9-5 lifestyle.

It's so funny sometimes these images people get of other people when deep inside there is so much... I guess people can look at me the same way sometimes. Perception is crude. It reminds me of photographs where it only takes the image it wants to see and not all the things that surround that image to make it so real and so vivid.

Today I really wished I could simply bend space / time and be there for just a moment to show someone how much they make me smile. How golden your conversation is, my patient friend. We are both misfits, you and I... finding some common place within the words.

Lonliness is a symptom of Emotional Hemophilia.

"Some boys take a beautiful girl,
And hide her away from the rest of the world.
I wanna be the one to walk in the sun."