Surreal Vanity

Sometimes I feel so bogged down by responsibility. How I am as a person reflects what type of Mother I am to my son, reflects how I am as a Moderator, reflects how I am a Lead at work.

I try my best. My intentions are always good but somewhere along the line it seems to get convoluted.

I ask questions of the world because I want my son to grow up and ask questions to the world. I think about how I present myself because I want my son to also understand that how he presents himself to the world (no matter what is inside of the presentation) is how people will see you as a person. That is not the other persons fault for misunderstanding you, it is just that they are human... no more or less than we are.

It is more difficult online, representation of 'who you are'. I've had almost a decade in experience working online and still I have difficulty with it. We can not always know the person we speak to, see their expressions, or understand their position. I do my best to try to understand and acknowledge them as I would someone in front of me... at times this is difficult.

It is the same in my job. I represent my team, which represents our department, which represents our company. So much responsibility for one person. I wonder, oftentimes, if I take on so much working eight hours a day here to go home and represent various different affiliations.

I don't know. I just felt like the weight of everything was on my shoulders this morning. I have to call someone here soon and say in a very nice way, "Sorry your SOL and Tough Shit" in a nice way for a Representative because this community isn't insured and I don't want to. I want to be like, "You, you call this person and you get the crap back for it." ~sigh~

This is my job, no matter where I go. Every aspect of my life. I am the voice of someone.

Right now I just want to be the voice of Amanda and no one else and for nothing more than I am a human being who was born with one.

I wish Tristan were back. At least Terran isn't so busy at night to listen to me and comfort. I realy miss having my friend around to go out for coffee and talk about these things though. We used to be able to step away from these worlds and just 'be'.

Back to work I guess... 15min of 'self time' is over.