i realize a lot of people are going through things. i know that there are people i care for that need me, but sometimes... just sometimes i need some time and space for me.
i'm sick, i'm really tired, and i really want to read harry potter.
i know people want to be there for me and to tell me they care about me, but i already know that and it's becoming smothering. i deal every day with feeling guilty for not being there for peoples emotions while my body is draining and becoming more ill and i'm starting to blow up at people because of stress. and the worse i get the more people come in to and ... i can't handle it.
you know i say i'm reading harry potter and then i get all these people calling me to see how harry potter is going well i don't know how harry potter is going cause i can't read it when i'm on the phone! /sighs i don't mean to be rude i just want some room.
i have so much going on that i cannot even say, no more or less than everyone else, but unlike a lot of people in the world i cannot deal with whats going on in my life unless i have room to SEE around me and look around me. be still, be quiet, the ever burned words of my mother. and i cannot be still or quiet when my phone is ringing, txts are going off, i go online to check my email and i get bombarded with IMs. if i don't respond i get more messages and then emails and then people start wondering if i am upset or if they hurt me and then they get upset cause i'm not there for them being upset and dammit world..... i am one person.
i get quieter and quieter to people because i just am smothered. and now that i say this i'm sure there are people that will start feeling bad as though they did something wrong and no, seriously, no one is doing anything wrong. i just need my own space. i need my own room to breath. it's one of the very reasons i hate being in relationships because this happens... i'm smothered by expectation, emotions of others, needs and necessities and i throw up my hands!
i want some time to read. i want to know that when i turn off my phone for a few hours that it's okay. that if i am quiet because i am working that it's okay cause i'm working, it's my job. that if i so happen to be gone for an evening that no one is going to die and think i hate them because i put my phone away for a few nights to revel in my life here... in my world. around me.
i still need to move into my apartment. and i still need to work out the arrangements going on with my son. i have someone coming to visit and then later my family and i've yet to have all things together. i have an event that every day i question whether or not i should go because sometimes i feel like i have to tip toe around so many different people to make sure they are happy. and i want to say, what about me and my happiness? who cares about that? and then i feel selfish. i battle every day against the needs of others to my own needs.
i really want to start working with this band. something fresh and new like a piece of paper. there are a lot of things i want to do /here/ in my world and my life. and i have many people that are not /here/ in my world requiring so much of my time that i don't have a lot left just for me. i mean here i am writing this blog post when i could be spending time for me but i feel if i don't write it that people will wonder why i'm seemingly distant and silent.
my heart is tired and it went on vacation to get a cup of dark espresso. and i swear if i could have anything right now it would be one night of great fucking, no foreplay b/s, just that.. .nothing else. hard, fast, and done so i can read my goddamn harry potter book.