Surreal Vanity

off and away

zooom

Photos from Blizzcon (unfortunately not really so much of Blizzcon, just kinda took photos of the Machinima group, booth, and well drinking ^^ )

Warcraft movies boys Uzbeki & Gedan with Clint - Myndflame.

Red Sky Foundry boys Ryan & and John with Sammy from L70ETC.

Oxhorn & Ezra from Rufus3.

Tristan from Craftingworlds - Blizzard.

Eric of DWP. (my new buddy)

Drewbie from Oblivious Films and Joeyray - Blizzard.

Leroy Jenkins (need I say more)

Drewbie from Oblivious Films.

Me with a bunch of cute boys. ^^

for some reason some of my pics cut off down there :(

oh well you can view a slideshow.

Blizzcon Slideshow

... but i'm tired and the bar / restaurant is closin... so i'll play with some more tomorrow.

My trip to Blizzcon, amongst all the drama, was probably one of the highlights of my life. To meet the people I have supported for so long and have done so much for (though they may never realize) was an amazing experience to me. I think for the first time I felt a part of the community in a very real way. To see and to speak to the people I admire and believe in. And of course to be amongst some of the closest and dearest friends to me.

Albeit the drama did play a large roll, I took that risk and did my best to hold true to the respect I have for certain people and their feelings. Which sometimes gets confusing when I've had too many martini's. Heh. But I think I succeeded, for the most part, by keeping it away from the community goings-on. Part of my heart sincerally regrets having ever paid the respect I did for some people at the cost of others feelings, but current momentary realities cannot bridge past circumstances.

When I had come back from Blizzcon I was in a bit of turmoil due to one happenstance. I lost someone I felt very close to me because I had to make certain choices. I felt awful for how things had ended and I had spent most of Saturday night crying and then the following day trying very hard not to concentrate on it while helping Terran move. Though Monday came and feeling the intense happiness of the community I had reflected that and was happier for their happinesses... so to speak. My heart is so overwhelmingly large and I loved everything about everyone I had met.

I was happy when Machinima101 opened, it was a semi-internet home to me. Although I am chastised for taking certain credits, I am happy to know in my heart I helped create it and helped do a lot of work behind the scenes regardless of the internal issues; to make it what it was to become. I was very sad to have to leave the website yesterday, after some short hours of re getting back into a lot of what has been going on outside the community. It in a way broke a part of me to have to think I needed to step fully away from things because of the feelings of my ex towards me and the hurtful things they had said without consideration. In truth, I simply told everyone I was leaving the community in general. This, I was sure, would have been the most pleasing thing to them.

I thank the people who took the time to tell me thank you, who took the time to say that I was important and those few who said that I helped to make some of the most memorable moments of their trip. And also to my best friend who listened to my crys, who understood, and who pushed me to not give up on what I believe so much in.

Although I cannot ever come out of my behind-the-scenes world and be proud of things outside that I know in my heart I should be eternally happy for concerning these people. I look at them and their dreams, their hopes, their possibilities and I see so much and believe so much for them. I think a lot of my drive comes from being around Terran and seeing his eyes when all these impossible things in his life began being "possible" that I wanted and still want nothing more than to see it in the eyes of those who deserve it just as much. It is an amazing thing to have people proud of you, who stand for you, who laugh and cry and scream with you. And to be humbled by all these moments at the same time. I thank Drewbie and Uzbeki, two amazing people who had never known how much they were appreciated in the light of so many hundreds, thousands, of people for giving that understanding.

I think about all of them, all my little web friends. I have concern for their dramas, for their lives, for their hearts... sometimes it is just because no one seems to understand. I have a lot of respect for Clint in this fashion because there were so many things I did not understand and after understanding came respect. I hope for him as much as I hope for all the others as an artist and a person.

Though... I guess I left Machinima101 because it was the best thing to do. The internal conflicts with my ex were a bit too much for my heart to handle. I don't think, as my friends do not think, I should let everyone else go (and down) due to a persons faults. Rather to let them go and the ties that bind me to that, and go on and be there for those that do care so much for me. I have a great deal of respect and belief in him, regardless of my decision to walk away from him and the website. I hope for the best for the website and for the people within it and that they can also find the replacement they seek.

I will still contribute to individual forums, websites. I will still help those that are close to me and those that need it when it is necessary and holds truth of purpose. I will always be there to listen to the stories, give ideas / advice, to edit your words, to watch your movies, to congradulate, or to simply ask how your day was.

This weekend I will be taking a break. As for the news that I generally report to some people, the articles I write, such and so forth... those will be going to other websites and I will also be placing them here. As far as whether or not I will moderate, administer, assist in other peoples websites... that is still uncertain.

Thanks to all of you who made me such a part, you are some of the kindest people I have ever met.

I got a new cutie pen pal today that is going to send me some swedish candies. <3

i promise...

the summer is over
the may pole is done
and the lovers of mid-summer eve
find their way back home
it is time for me to go
the leaves of my spring
wither and fade, falling
kissing the feet of autumn
and autumn sings for me
picking the strings of an old acoustic
and i close my eyes and exhale
the last breath of summer
before decomposing
stripping the last of all my lives
to die within that earthly stare
and i seep into the heart of the earth
its brown and green and golds
protecting me from winter

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

where all the elements of the earth meet.

- taken by me.

"Be calm, only by a clam consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours"

I wrote this in February 2005, think of the significance in years...

The meaning of eleven is: "Purity: when the expression is a True reflection of that which engendered it. Your love should thus be."

"My Immortal Beloved,

Lle'mela"

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Usually, you feel safe and secure behind your crablike emotional shell, behind which almost no one ever gets to venture. Sometimes, though, something happens to put a crack in it, and suddenly it's like the curtains have been drawn back and you're standing there naked in fluorescent light, for all the world to see. But wait. Quit your frantic struggles to cover your bits. No one's running away in horror. Hardly anyone's laughing, either. Most people are looking at you with understanding and compassion. A few might even think you're hot. Stop imagining negativity that isn't there, and give yourself the acceptance, appreciation, and delight that others would give you, if you only gave them a chance.

I watched the miles drift by slowly in time. I thought of golden chocolate coins at the end of gasoline rainbows. You looked at me and smiled, your fingers twined within the vines of my own. Hold on, hold fast, we merge and glide into the past that was once ours. Two lost souls drifting in and out of corn fields with our hands outstretched and our fingers barely missing the others. How Fate found us looking up at the same chemical stars a thousand miles apart. I reached out my hand to the heavens, closed my eyes... and within moments there you were looking down at me from the same such sky taking my hand and pulling me up towards you to go inside. Past and present merge as if dreams and reality shared the same space time. I was remembering laying out on the brick wall around my Grandmothers porch staring off down the street at the gravel road wondering if you were out there and at the end I am sitting with you looking back at the porch with its brick wall as we pass by saying to myself... "In time."

So many years. I turn around and look at the girl I was sitting on the park bench staring off into space waiting to see if you would turn around the bend in the road and simutaniously in that moment we do, and I am looking back at myself thinking one day, "In time." We leave, driving out of the small town together, watching the past fade with the miles of corn fields and haunted caves between us and the city's chemical stars.

Here I am sitting where you must have sat, opposite ends of the spectrum. They say the longest journey is that between two people... but I made it. And although one part of me is sitting in Seattle, leaning against a glass door waiting for you to call when you get home... the other part of me is sitting here watching the moments go by knowing any moment you will walk in through the door and find me here knowing I have never left you in all this time...