My trip to Blizzcon, amongst all the drama, was probably one of the highlights of my life. To meet the people I have supported for so long and have done so much for (though they may never realize) was an amazing experience to me. I think for the first time I felt a part of the community in a very real way. To see and to speak to the people I admire and believe in. And of course to be amongst some of the closest and dearest friends to me.
Albeit the drama did play a large roll, I took that risk and did my best to hold true to the respect I have for certain people and their feelings. Which sometimes gets confusing when I've had too many martini's. Heh. But I think I succeeded, for the most part, by keeping it away from the community goings-on. Part of my heart sincerally regrets having ever paid the respect I did for some people at the cost of others feelings, but current momentary realities cannot bridge past circumstances.
When I had come back from Blizzcon I was in a bit of turmoil due to one happenstance. I lost someone I felt very close to me because I had to make certain choices. I felt awful for how things had ended and I had spent most of Saturday night crying and then the following day trying very hard not to concentrate on it while helping Terran move. Though Monday came and feeling the intense happiness of the community I had reflected that and was happier for their happinesses... so to speak. My heart is so overwhelmingly large and I loved everything about everyone I had met.
I was happy when Machinima101 opened, it was a semi-internet home to me. Although I am chastised for taking certain credits, I am happy to know in my heart I helped create it and helped do a lot of work behind the scenes regardless of the internal issues; to make it what it was to become. I was very sad to have to leave the website yesterday, after some short hours of re getting back into a lot of what has been going on outside the community. It in a way broke a part of me to have to think I needed to step fully away from things because of the feelings of my ex towards me and the hurtful things they had said without consideration. In truth, I simply told everyone I was leaving the community in general. This, I was sure, would have been the most pleasing thing to them.
I thank the people who took the time to tell me thank you, who took the time to say that I was important and those few who said that I helped to make some of the most memorable moments of their trip. And also to my best friend who listened to my crys, who understood, and who pushed me to not give up on what I believe so much in.
Although I cannot ever come out of my behind-the-scenes world and be proud of things outside that I know in my heart I should be eternally happy for concerning these people. I look at them and their dreams, their hopes, their possibilities and I see so much and believe so much for them. I think a lot of my drive comes from being around Terran and seeing his eyes when all these impossible things in his life began being "possible" that I wanted and still want nothing more than to see it in the eyes of those who deserve it just as much. It is an amazing thing to have people proud of you, who stand for you, who laugh and cry and scream with you. And to be humbled by all these moments at the same time. I thank Drewbie and Uzbeki, two amazing people who had never known how much they were appreciated in the light of so many hundreds, thousands, of people for giving that understanding.
I think about all of them, all my little web friends. I have concern for their dramas, for their lives, for their hearts... sometimes it is just because no one seems to understand. I have a lot of respect for Clint in this fashion because there were so many things I did not understand and after understanding came respect. I hope for him as much as I hope for all the others as an artist and a person.
Though... I guess I left Machinima101 because it was the best thing to do. The internal conflicts with my ex were a bit too much for my heart to handle. I don't think, as my friends do not think, I should let everyone else go (and down) due to a persons faults. Rather to let them go and the ties that bind me to that, and go on and be there for those that do care so much for me. I have a great deal of respect and belief in him, regardless of my decision to walk away from him and the website. I hope for the best for the website and for the people within it and that they can also find the replacement they seek.
I will still contribute to individual forums, websites. I will still help those that are close to me and those that need it when it is necessary and holds truth of purpose. I will always be there to listen to the stories, give ideas / advice, to edit your words, to watch your movies, to congradulate, or to simply ask how your day was.
This weekend I will be taking a break. As for the news that I generally report to some people, the articles I write, such and so forth... those will be going to other websites and I will also be placing them here. As far as whether or not I will moderate, administer, assist in other peoples websites... that is still uncertain.
Thanks to all of you who made me such a part, you are some of the kindest people I have ever met.